Walker Wednesday, Vol. 1: Starkville Mourns, Michigan Crumbles, and Dave Calls In Sick

STOP THE PRESSES. Yes, I know what day it is. It's Monday. Walker Wednesday comes out every day of the week except one, and I'll let you work out which. My client's calendar has never once told him what to do, and his representation is no different. If you have a problem with the date, take it up with my legal department, which is also me.

It was a week, people. Triumph. Tragedy. Treachery. And one sentence I will be framing. Roll the tape.

I. The Verdict from Starkville

Saturday, Alabama came into Starkville and, I'm told by people who could bear to watch, scored 56 points. My client, a man of the law at heart, took the bench, reviewed the evidence, and issued his ruling:

Seven thousand nine hundred people liked that ruling. That's not a tweet. That's a jury.

And let the record show: my client did not guarantee a Mississippi State win. When the Barstool College Football Show tried to drag a guarantee out of him on Thursday, he refused. On camera. Under oath, basically:

Do you understand the restraint that takes? Every bone in his body was screaming. He said this instead, about his quarterback, the very same morning:

By Saturday night, the ruling on the quarterback came down too. Seventh on the Heisman board, with an asterisk my client wrote personally:

Hurt and sick. A young man asked to carry a program is allowed one bad Saturday. So is the program. So is my client. We move.

II. The Report Card (He Passed. Again.)

Here's what the haters won't tell you: my client called it. He told you to pump the brakes on his own team. He told you to pump the brakes on Florida. He told you anybody can beat Michigan. Three for three on the stuff that mattered.

A B. Five and one. The one? His lock, South Carolina minus two and a half, lost to Kentucky 35 to 34. In overtime. One point. ONE. I have filed a formal grievance with the sport of football. The sport has not responded.

III. The Michigan Situation

Michigan lost to Minnesota. This surprised exactly one man in America, and it was not my client. On his own show Saturday night, he laid out the facts with the gentle touch of a diplomat:

"Dave Portnoy's stupid ass." A man of letters, folks. A poet.

IV. Dave Watch

Speaking of Dave. On Thursday, Dave Portnoy did not show up to the Barstool College Football Show. The official word was that he was sick. My client did not comment on the medical record. He simply noted, for the room:

Nobody was sad, Dave. Nobody.

Then, Saturday night, my client addressed the Big Noon Kickoff situation with the composure of a man who has seen war:

Monday, he said. The world awaits. I await. Somewhere, Dave awaits, refreshing the page, sweating. My client has stated on the record that he is not mad at Dave for getting him fired off TV. I, his representation, am FURIOUS. The feud is a blood feud, and I will hear no evidence to the contrary.

V. Fan Fights of the Week

Every week, the public tests my client. Every week, the public loses.

This week's challenger: Buckeye Nation, enraged that my client said something nice about their wide receiver.

He complimented their best player, and they came at him with torches. "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." Somebody put that on a cowbell.

Then came the rankings crowd, outraged that Mississippi State, fresh off a loss, is still ranked while Minnesota isn't. My client entered one exhibit into the record. Mississippi State went to Minnesota in September and won 38 to 13:

For the record, my client also said Minnesota should be ranked. He's a fair man. He just thinks whining about Mississippi State being ranked instead would be crazy. And when the replies got to be too much, he addressed the public with the dignity of a head of state: "You motherf***ers are exhausting." Lincoln wishes.

VI. College Football Is Out to Get Him: The Evidence

• Exhibit A: a one-point overtime loss on his lock of the week.
• Exhibit B: 56 points, at home, on the day his quarterback was "hurt and sick."
• Exhibit C: he compliments a receiver, and an entire state turns on him.
• Exhibit D: a television network removed him from Saturday mornings. My client says he's not mad. I have already said how I feel.
• Exhibit E: Louisville. My client admitted, exactly once, that he might have been wrong. Note the word probably. Legally, that's a maybe.

VII. Official Numbers

Closing Statement

Mississippi State is 4 and 1, and my client still has them fifth in the SEC, "based on how good I think the team is, not their bodies of work so far." That's not bias. That's vision.

And one last thing from Thursday's show, after someone tried to explain the Barstool College Football Show to the man who has been on it since the beginning:

Seven years. Show some respect.

See you next Walker Wednesday. Any day but Wednesday. Until then: he's Brandon F'n Walker, and you're not.